Wtf

A freaking C ? What the fuck is wrong with her. I lost all my exam mojo during SPM. EVERY SINGLE FINAL GRADE SINCE THEN HAS BEEN LETTING ME DOWN. FML.

I can't feel shit,

I am stronger than yesterday, yes it may seem like I am one hella of a childish person for removing him from my friend list, but I do feel empowered after doing so. But whenever the thought of me being a more independent girl come into mind, I start to think that I've become a heartless person. A big part of me wants to blame him for training me into this person that can walk away from all emotionally influential shit, to be chilled about everything, to not care so much. But maybe it's me, I'm just losing hope with love, I want to blame him, but I know it's not his fault. It's all me. Maybe it has always been me. I can't feel for anyone else anymore. What I hate about you, is that you never show enough effort. And Im proud to say that I can say no now. I know what's best for me in the long run, and that is to stay away. You destroyed my ability to feel but you can't destroy my ability to choose for myself, and I choose for you stop messing with my heart. Now, run along.

emma!

pixie cuts are so prettyyyyy.

i secretly wish that i could pull the pixie cut off. but that would mean i need a ULTRA SKINNY FACE & BODY. so its not happening.

and, its not very secret anymore. hah.

damni'msolonely.

i kinda want him back. like. hes the only one that will love me for who i am. but i fucked up because i was young and stupid and i thought there is going to be more to life than to commit to a stable relationship. and now hes happy and im bitter with all the thoughts of that lucky girl could've been me if i just held on to my shitty emotions longer. i dont have a big heart, i get jealous easily. i got him in the first place by showing my jealousy. i finally felt like i needed him because i was jealous of something he had with another girl when i was away at another country for vacation. my jealousy got us together but i let things slip away because things were getting stable. i know i was the kind of girl that cant stay away from drama, and when things became nice and peaceful i got bored. so yeah, that was me. it took me so long to realize that all a girl needs is a person to always be there. i let go of that person who is the only person in the world until now who would do that for me. and i am caught in a loop with a guy that will never love me back. ungrateful? yeah, i used to think its worth the chase, but i guess im getting too old for this shit. yes i will stay away. and thank you dearest you, for letting feel loved for a brief period of time, when i think about us, i think about the cute things we through and less of the times where i was being a bitch, and sorry i was a bitch. and thank you to you too, for breaking my heart over and over again, i will stay away.

i will stay away, from both of you.

way to go, eve, you always fuck everything up. wo hen lonely la tamade.

cant blog.

i miss writing. but i cant do it anymore, i spent too much of my writing mojo on history class. but it was worth it, i got full marks and a comment of "excellent paper" for midterm. yeah, i was born and raised in asia and i write perfect analysis papers in english, TAKE THAT LANCI AMERICAN KIDS.

i miss home. ;D

that question.

he knows that i can adapt to new environments very quickly, he also knows that i can live without talking to him. but he doesnt know that i dont want to.

he knows that i stalk. he knows that i calculate time difference just to talk to him. but he doesnt know that i love knowing that he knows that i stalk, and he doesnt know how much it hurts to see him replying to other people's comments but not to my message. he doesnt know that i was paranoid enough to check the ipad every 20 seconds to see whether he replied, just because it was midnight here and noon there so chances of him coming online and read the message are high. he also doesnt know that i spent 7 hours on my drawing, which i normally spend only 5 hours, because i was troubled and emotional my hands were shaking i couldnt even draw a straight line properly. he doesnt know how many times i typed and backspaced a single message until i finally calmed down and typed a question i rephrased a thousand times in my head, just because i was trying to convince myself i have no rights to be mad over this.

"just frickkin reply, its not like im gonna go crazy" phrase that was replayed for a gazillion times throughout the day.

but he knows that i am gonna go crazy, i like the way he always know how i will react to things, even though he knows nothing about my life. i like the way he compares the current me to the me in form3 and tells me im still so childish. but i hate all of that too. why cant he just get to now the current me better, spend a little more time asking me about my life, something he promised he would do but never did.

I was special, she reminded you of ME. how on earth did that change inversely. i like her, i like the person you described through texts, i think i can totally get along with her. but i hate that you guys had so much more than we ever did. fuck.

FUCK.

"whats going on between you and her?"

FUCK, IF HE KNOWS THAT I STALK, HE'D KNOW THAT I KNOW HES IGNORING MY MESSAGE.

not us.

if only i had the courage to write the things so many other girls are writing on your wall, i wouldn't be me anymore, but also maybe you and me would've become us. i choose to be true to myself anytime, anywhere, under any sort of circumstances, i have the strongest ego and i just cannot bring myself to doing all those things, even if i wanted to, so badly. i am so angry but i cant direct the anger towards you. so i am angry with myself for not being angry at you, and i am angry because you are you. but you are you, and i am me. you are there, and i am here half way around the globe. so therefore, you and me are not us.

3 films!

three films!

//cant really think of any special movies so im just gonna type the first 3 that comes into mind, im sure it means something if my mind have thought about them first. hahaha.

1. ten things i hate about you. BEST CHICK FLICK EVER. and heath ledger is sooooo lala its just epic.

2. 2 young. fiona sit and jaycee fong has the best chemistry as a newcomer couple, i've probably watched the movie for a 100 times and i still cry every time.

3. memoirs of a geisha. i dont know how accurate the book/movie portrays the life of a geisha (because the author is a angmoh mar lol), but i was really drawn, maybe its because i never thought gongli can play hatsumomo (BIG BITCH) sooo well, and ken watanabe.. no need to say, is smoking hot for an old uncle. AHAH.

four books!

four books!

1. harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban, j.k. rowling. harry goes through puberty and gets cranky and emotional and it was sorta the time he discovers himself. so yeah, i read it when i was going through my mid-teens and it related to me.

2. neverwhere, neil gaiman. the main story is about how all major cities like london, and new york have a underground version of it, and the residents are all people who've fallen between the "cracks" of the buzzes of a big city. its awesome because of the hidden message behind it -- to never give up and not to underestimate or undermine people who might seem to be weaker or poorer or stupider than you, made me ponder. and i found out that it was made into a tv series, but i couldn't find it online.

3. leaving mother lake, by namu. its a crazy world namu lived in where her siblings do not bear the same last name as her, and her mother gets men knocking on her window every night, and it was inspiring how a girl from the grasslands of tibet traveled to the cities to make it in singing, and finally meeting someone and moved to the US. i was 12/13/14 when i read it, and the book lingered after i finished it for about 1 day, i just kept thinking about it. and then when i was in form4/5 i read something online saying that namu was like this attention-craving bimbo and that her story was a big exaggeration to gain sympathy and blar, I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED!! but it was still a veryy good story.

4. the kitchen god's wife, amy tan. amy tan is awesome, as usual, if you dont know her, get started with the movie "the joy luck club". the book i read was my aunt helen's, and it was so old it didn't have a back cover, and the front cover's edges were all eaten by worms (?). so i made a back cover for it and wrapped it in nice plastic. the book was absorbing, its about a chinese girl that was a daughter to a rich family with several wives, and how she was thrown around and forced to marry someone during wartime blar blar blar.

-----------------------------------------

on the side note:

i arrived at chicago safe and sound. orientation is a BIG bore, but i did get to meet a boy from inti subang so i dont have to speak in my weird american accent all day long, and i get to use my 'lah-s' and 'lor-s' and other cina words. finally met sarah, the malaysian senior in arch whom i was exchanging emails with all summer and she looks awesome. i took some pictures so i will be doing a picture-ful blogpost soon. ;D

i will try to like you a little lesser. i really will.

five foods!

five foods!

1. cheeseburgers. with cheddar and pickles and tomato ketchuppp. ENOUGH SAID! (to my friends who dont eat beef, i feel sorry for you..)

2. KAO YUK! traditional family food, you can never find a restaurant that serves kao yuk the way our family cooks it. my gong gong's recipe consist of NO mui choy, NO yam cutlets, and a special sauce made mainly of garlic, ginger and OIL. AHAHAHHA. we even have a special redesigned fork to poke the pork skin, its a difficult process and and verryy hard to put down in words. every CNY, we make alot of bowls of kaoyuk, and we keep them in the freezer. it lasts for almost a year. i wished i had a picture or something to show you guys how awesome our family kao yuk is.

3. temosa. its a traditional malay pastry shaped like a curry puff, but with dry minced fish and coconut. its more of an east coast delicacy, AND ITS DAMN NICE!

4. sui kows. i love suikows, i cant get enough of sui kows. NEVERRRR GET ENOUGH. the perfect suikow to me uses quality minced pork, with reasonable percentage of fatty pork and skinny pork (i dont know how to say these stuff in proper english), chopped water chesnut mixed in the minced pork, chopped carrot bits, a not-too-biged-sized shrimp, preferably some chopped onion leaves, wrapped nicely into a shape of a ribonny present, served in clear soup with some veggies. YUMMMMM. i would marry a guy who knows how to make sui kows, REALLYYYYY.

(stolen image)

5. super ring. we used to have choir practices every day from after recess time to 5pm. EVERYDAY! and super ring was my chicken soup throughout my 5 years in choir. THANK YOU SUPER RING, YOU'RE THE BEST JUNK CRISPS EVER!

just something that needed an output. but am too shy to post a fb status..

I was rummaging thru my bro's comics trying to find Scott pilgrim but I din find any!!!!!! wheeeeee are they?! found all the spiderman and batman and the surrogates and blar but just couldnt find Scott pilgrim. and the reason behind my sudden craving for some SP is because I was thinking about michael cera and his nerdy hotness. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH GAAAY.

and another thing I found that amuses me is why does my bro have 2 copies of the same books? deathly hallows.. one adult cover one kid cover, anansi boys.. one soft cover one hard cover.. hm.

oh yeah. ANANSI BOYS is a very good novel btw! actually everything Neil gaiman publishes is good stuff!

anw I'm just bored . I found a book to kill time . 'the curious incident of the dog in the night time' . cover looks cute let's hope it is lah. babaiiii.

six places!

six places.

1. san fransisco, united states. its the prettiest city i've been to. and i want to spend my life there with an awesome partner. we would have a house on the windy and hilly streets of san fran, hopefully on a sea cliff where we'd get sea wind all day long (having a house on a sea cliff is my childhood dream, my parents think i got the idea from witches). we would have dogs, and we'd bring them to the seaside under the golden gate to play, then we'd go to fisherman's wharf to eat yummy clam chowder and calamari rings. nomnomnom. SAN FRANSISCO WO AI NI.

2. barcelona, spain. i always wanted to go to spain, it has very well preserved old architecture. and spanish men are hot. hahahhaa. i just watched "vicky christina barcelona" yesterday, the movie made it a veryy attractive place.

3. verona, italy. to see the infamous juliet's wall. and to write a letter to juliet telling her about the boy who taught me the feeling of a heartbreak.

4. teluk chempedak, kuantan. i will always have a part of me in kuantan, and tc is still a very beautiful beach despite all the man-made infrastructures.

5. beiliu, guangxi, china. its where our family roots lie. i've never been there, and i wonder if i would meet people with the same signature big and bridged nose our family members share. haha.

6. sultan abu bakar school, kuantan. where i learned to love, to hate, and most importantly, i learned to be me.

----------------------------------------

about leaving malaysia.

i am very very very the excited. ;D

nervous to take the flight alone, but more overwhelmed by the 22 hour flight-time. I HATE FLYING. ugh. hoping for everything to be fine!

seven wants!

day four.

seven wants. '

1. more financial aid for school. going to a private american college is expensive, my conscience is killing me. my parents have never complaint a syllable about how expensive it is, and when i was making a tough decision to accept which offer, they told me to choose the best and not to worry about the tuition. and we are not rich people, my dad work for every cent we have. and i am grateful for all the good things and bad experiences in life. i am still feeling very remorseful for my cb spm results. one certificate that could change lives, i knew how important it was but i still screwed it up. damn that B for chinese.

2. i secretly want an ipod classic. because my iphone is running out of space. i cant even fit my entire itunes into it anymore. but i don dare to ask from my parents la, they're gonna killl me. xD

3. a new laptop batt. mine died. my laptop is a dell inspiron 1464! *wink wink*

4. a black chanel classic flap bag. i told my mom im gonna get this with my first few paychecks and she laughed at me for being naive. im gonna prove her wrong. rawrrr. =.=

5. classic louboutin pumps. seriously. 6.5 inches sky high stilletos, gonna rock them on my first interview! (hahah...... i wish.)

6. my own masseuse. i cant get enough of massages. i use to make weijin massage my palms in class and the first few time he was being sweet so he did it nicely and after that he rolls his eyes when i ask. AHAHAH. when i was younger, i told my mom im gonna marry a thai masseuse, my mom said i was stupid cause i should marry a rich guy who can afford to pay my masseuse. and i thought, OMFG MY MOM IS SO WISE. hahaahha.

7. rayban wayfarers. like the ones audrey hepburn wears. damn yeng la omg. and audrey hepburn is so so so so so pretty like the prettiest girl ever lived.

anyways, i know most of my seven wants are like high-fashion and vain, so what. atm im just pretty contented with my life and i can live without all the unnecessary luxuries but it doesnt mean that i cant have goals now can i. im gonna be a rich stylo architect that visits construction sites wearing sexy high waisted skirts and 6 inches-high pumps. AHAHAHAH.

A GIRL CAN DREAM NOW CAN SHE!?

eight fears!

day three!

eight fears.

1. unsaid gooodbyes. i would rather someone bid the hardest goodbyes and go through the worst heartbreak than leaving without saying a word. i would rather cry until i am dehydrated than be left behind wondering when,why,where. i want to feel included in the people and things someone's going miss.

2. no earphone. its really painful when i just wanna shut my ears from the sounds from my surroundings, and when i reach for my earphone, SHIT where is it. damnn. its worst than no battery weyh.

3. heart diseases / stroke. i dont want to die that way. seriously. im gonna get healthy. i promise.

4. big spaces. i dont like wide plain spaces. its kinda serious when i was younger, i would dream about being in a wide wide no boundary space and no matter how hard and fast i run the i wont see anything change around me, and i would scream and wake up with sweat all over, and then my mom would rush in and switch on the lights and asked what happened but i just couldnt make up a reasonable sentence, and i would be sobbing like a gay nyancat. but it got better, i still get the dream once in a while, and i am still kinda afraid of wide spaces, but as long as i can see things like trees, cars, buildings around i'd be fine. mild agoraphobia. LOL.

4. anything to happen to my parents. i know its very selfish to say this, but i would rather die before my parents because i know i won't be able to cope if they left.

5. birds. I HATE BIRDS. i hate the entire family of birds. i hate that they have beaks and i hate that they have claws (cooked claws in dimsum is nice!). im really scared of birds. especially, chickens, pigeons, ostriches, flamingos and hornbills. i always thought birds are evil. i got pecked by my aunt's chicken when i was younger, and it was traumatizing. and pigeons with their blood red eyes send chills down my spine! birds terrify me.

6. decomposing matters.

7. flight turbulence / aircrash / emergency landing. everytime my flight goes through some turbulence i'd think of crazy scenarios like a lightning striking a wing of the airplane and the airplane would lose balance and descend with high speed and we would have to evacuate the airplane by jumping into the sea and watch the plane explode.. .. .. think too much, yes i know. when i was in NY with my fam and we were inside the statue of liberty (no dont think dirty please) they suddenly rang the alarm and called for an emergency evacuation, apparently there was a rumor saying that someone planted a bomb in there, so they had to check. its crazy cause if someone really planted a bomb in there he would be godlike because the security is the tightest.. but no, she did not blow up and we did manage to get up.

8. forever alone.

nine loves!

day two!

nine loves.

1. i love my family. my mom and dad for giving me life and accept me for

who i turned out to be, although i might have grow up to be a girl far from their initial expectations. i love my parents because they have never pressured me into anything i didnt like, never told me i had to study hard and told me to get involved in school activities, never compared me to someone else's child, never compared among us siblings. i love my brothers, because i am in my most genuine form when im around them, we can talk like kids and yell at each others' faces like old goats, we can pick our noses and fart as loud as we like, and criticism is always constructive although it may be very hurtful.

my bro bribing us.

2. i love my house. every corner of it. i am thankful all of us have our own room

and our own bathrooms. i love our garden because my mom planted ad nurtured for each and every one of the plants. i love our fish pond gazebo, because its the best place to mahjong, drink wine and chitchat, steamboat or just simply lepak. i like our piano shaped porch, because it show one of my mom's many talents -- architectural designs. i like our ancient well, because i like making up ghost stories about it and freak the shit out of my friends. i like how our house has been standing here at this very spot somewhere in the middle of kuantan's busiest suburbs, but still maintains its serenity, for more than 40 years now.

3. i love wooden furniture & close-to-nature architecture. i love the smell of the huskiness of wood. i always wanted to build a log cabin-like bungalow with a tender blend of the nature and the modern world. i think wood gives off a cosy, warm aura. and my favorite log house kinda architecture is the ahwahnee in yosemite park. I LOVE IT OHMAIGAWD ITS THE NICEST PLACE I'VE EVER BEEN TO.

the ahwahnee. backed by the awesome view of yosemite.

the interior of the ahwahnee! loves.

rough idea what the interior of my log cabin gonna look like, get the cosy feeling?

another awesome architecture i've seen inspired by wooden planks and the nature is the centara hotel pattaya's lobby area. i was just there with the fam around a month ago and the place took my breathe away, it was a resort themed "the lost world", and it was super awesome.

it looks alot grander in real life..

4. i love hoarding. i have a thing with things from the past, its really hard for me to give them up especially if they have a nostalgic value to it. so im pretty much a hoarder, i have notes, exercise books, toys and alot of useless things. im not proud of it, but i love going through my old stuff once in a while.

5. i love romance comedy. anything to do with this genre, whether its a book, a movie, a cartoon, absolutely everything and anything with a good romantic ending where the hottie finally kisses the nottie. so im a very predictable person, i like authors like sophie kinsella, movies like "ten things i hate about you", "juno" and all those. my recent fav is "easy A".. i like sitcoms like "friends", "8 simple rules".. you get the idea. so what if all chick flicks having the same ending, i still like them, they make me feel like theres a chance for love for everybody. ahha.

6. i love body art. i think tattoos are a very expressive form of art, and there is actually so much more to tattoos than what people think of it. i used to spend all my nights watching miami ink (because i think ami is really cute). it was a pretty addictive show because they tell stories behind tattoos and many of the featured tatts have a good story behind it. but im not kind of tattoo freaks that would go all extreme with their "art", i worry too much, whether it'll discolor or go out of shape if i lose/gain weight. blar blar blar. i was once quite addicted to the pain piercing inflicted, i got all 8 of my ear piercings in 2 years. i've never tried a piercing with a needle before, but i'd love to try. i wanna get microdermal anchors, they're so sexy. ;D

7. i love travelling. theres so much to see out there, the more you are exposed to, the tinier you would realize you truly are. but, its an irony, i hate flying. sidenote//: my aunt belinda conquered mount everest! we're all very proud of her, but her expedition group has been stuck in the moutains due to bad weather for a week now, hopefully they'll get to come back sooon! sidenote #2//: i wanna get my diving licence, bungy jump in nz, swim with the jellyfish at palau, swim with the dolphins at mauritius.. and the list goes on.

swimming with dolphins at mauritius. yer, i wantt also!

8. i love driving. another irony, because i've been told i suck at driving and apparently im a very unsafe driver. but i still like driving, especially when i'm just cruising with no definite destination, swim car river as the cantonese put it. i dont know much about automobiles, so if my car broke down i won't know a shit about what caused it, i dont even know how exactly a car engine works, i just like driving it. lol.

9. i love modern technology and the internet. i think 90% of the things i know came from the internet, so im thankful i live in a generation where information comes so easily. the internet is the best thing that ever happened to our planet!!!!!

ten secrets!

okay. this is some kinda tag, but no one tagged me, i just decided to do it so that i'll get that sense of obligated-feeling towards my blog again. i used to feel so responsible to update my blog when i was younger..younger as in form 1-4, i was a VERYY active blogger back then, i edit my pictures and i put a watermark of my url and stuff, and i actually get like 200+ views a day back then, we had this blogosphere in our school back then, and i was one of the few popular bloggers (EH, im not bragging! ask anyone from SABS during my years and they would they told you they read sunriise.blogspot.com, well at the very least if they weren't a regular blogder they would have heard of my blog)

okay maybe i am exaggerating just a little bit. anw, blogder = blog + reader. its a xiaxue word.

i'll actually make today day 1!

ten secrets.

1. i can tell dirty jokes and make veryy bad remarks about people. i know its a bad thing, and yes, i do feel guilty after i say em out loud and after everybody gets a good laugh out of it, but im too used to being the clown in a group. i think its kinda of an innate thing i have, sometimes i tell the hardest-to-get jokes and only my brothers get them, and sometimes my big bro will come up with these brit-humor puns and only our siblings can get immediately, so maybe its genetic. HAHA.

2. i have an adult film collection. some people think its gross, i can only say that i have a peculiar hobby. all my close friends know about it, and we've talked about exchanging good pornos we've got in our collections (i've actually done it, the exchange i mean, with callie, but hers are too softcore, HHAHA) kaen ng promised me to let me go through his collection (he bragged a 2 paged collection) but he never did. pornography is a multibillion industry, and porn stars work very hard, so have some respect.

3. i only buy mandarin albums. and only from indie mandarin artists. i dont buy cds of mainstream singers. if i like the album, i can listen to it up to 10 times a day, and i can remember the lyrics to all the songs. if i dont like it, i'll keep it away and i'll never listen to it again. if i like only a few songs but not the entire album, i'll put it away too. i think its very important that all the tracks in an album brings out a coherent message and displays the artist's personality. thats the reason i dont like artists that dont write their own music, i feel like their just a narrator of other people's stories. im very particular with my music collection, and im secretly very proud of my taste in music.

4. my first tongue experience was in a cinema. okay enough said.

5. i still have my "sepatah sehari" notebook from primary school. i was the kid that went on stage every assembly to read out the idiom of the day. the reason i kept that notebook is not because i thought the idioms are meaningful, its because i wrote 2 pages full of the name of the guy i liked in the notebook. like spelling corrections, two pages. its kind of an IT thing back then. lool. and...i was stupid.

6. i think my first crush grew up to be a very unattractive guy. see how i avoided the word ugly? im a nice person. (hak hak hak in your face ugly boy! perasan until form4 still think i liked you)

7. i like spooning. WHY?! cannot isit. i like lah, its so nice.

8. yes, we did things in the school's store room back in form 5, but it wasnt as scandalous as you guys think. i know so many other couples who did MORE scandalous things in that store room, i've got details and names, wanna know? treat me yumcha first.

9. i only started cracking my knuckles in college. i used to think guys cracking knuckles is a major turn-off and its very bad for your joints (this is true scientifically la) but now, i cant help it, when you feel the little air bubble in your joint pop its like the most comfortable and relaxing feeling ever. im trying to stop, i really am.

10. i want to get braces again. my teeth are crooked again, and i really miss having a piece of metal in my mouth. ulcers and cuts are bitches but other than that braces are still cool.

done!

the reason behind all those confessions is because nobody reads my blog anymore! so im braver, haha.

ramblings.

beh tahan. i bitched about someone else's bitchiness. does that make me equally bitchy? HAHAA.

i think i should like, totally drop the "like"s in my talking sentences. like, seriously, i think they like, totally make me sound like, dumb or something. AHHAHA.

cousin ling and her mom, my aunt came over for chit chat and we bitched about baby new's mother, whom is now staying just next to them, about how she stormed into school and yelled at me for at least 15 minutes when i did nothing wrong back when i was in standard 5. still triggers the beast inside when i think of it now, i would tear her brain apart and give it to jennifer if i had claws and the invisibility cloak. ugly old thing.

i lied to mama about my SE phone. i really do miss it, theres so much memories in there. i was just going thru some old blog posts and i really wanted to re-read some text messages from zhehui, it seems that we texted in august last year, but i totally forgot what was it about cos in my head we havent been keeping contact like, forever. the things people do and sometimes even the things going in there minds become pretty transparent after you've known them for a while, and yeah, to that someone who didnt show any guilt at all, we can see right through your thoughts, and you are actually way shallower than you think you are. what is done is done, when you think nothing can ever go wrong when you're helping a friend in need, remember that you will ALWAYS lose something when you help people. helping people is of self-interest, it always has been. but in my case, obviously my helping hand had been taken for granted and taken advantage of. lesson learnt, sad but nothing can be done.

watching "bump off lover", this really old taiwanese idol drama made in 2005. its the kind that doesnt involve too much lovey dovey scenes, a whole lot of suspense and mystery, and a little gore. they dont make much of these anymore. MIT and Gloomy Salad Days!

i am with peace with myself. and learning to be with the big environment.

我期待关于芝加哥的一切.

contacted sarah, another malaysia archie at IIT whose contact details my mom forced korkor to get for me, and she said there are 4 malaysians there now, that means i'll be the fifth! sounds really exciting, im starting to like IIT already. and for chicago, i remember chicago in winter, memories from 2009 are still fresh and am totally looking forward to see chicago in all seasons! i know i picked the right school.

claracmusic.

clara chung is my newest youtube favorite. ;)

click!

im like a bird. and i am changing flight directions.

so i have been at home for a month or so. i really do miss nilai, i mean, i miss being able to be with friends all the time, and i miss not having someone waiting for me to come home to at night (that, would be my mom usually if shes in a bad mood, but lately shes all clingy and worried all the time, my friends say its the pre-departure symdrome for mothers. haha) okay, so one month or so not having to get to classes and doing assignments and studying for tests, no club meetings or events, sounds more like no life huh. but there was some highlights, first of all, INTI makan gang a.k.a. IMG came to kuantan and crashed at my place, brought them all over kuantan. there was one time at cherating where the front tyres of my car sank into the sand, so kaen and ferng had to push th car out of the sand as i pressed the accelerator, and ferng's foot got stuck under a tyre and his foot got grounded and pressed like garlic LOL. and, our midnight truth or dare session which was absolutely FUNNY. (hengyi, if you're reading this, sorry you got dragged into our craziness although you are way back at nilai) i finally got my visa done, which is good news. i was in bangkok for a week with my family and the hui family. quality family time, which is kinda lacking for the kids in my extended paternal family, cause we dont see each other that much. spending time with my korkor was really awesome too. never really got the chance to spend time with my big brother because he is 6 years older and he kinda missed all the important years of my life because he was away at college, puchong then uk.. and everytime we get to see each other he teases me, or asks me to play some of his games on his nDS, or Wii, or PS3. LOL. other than that i am pretty much just stuck at home.








他说我驾车很漂浮, 我说, 我就是一个漂浮的女人. 现在的我只想为一个人停下来.

在那个人周遭绕了将近四年, 我要转换航线了.

genes speak louder.

i know where i got my ego from, the word ego, turns into stubborn, if you interpret it differently. and i know that whether i accept it or not, i am going to be more and more like her each day. the good and bad qualities about her, some things that she did that i completely disagreed, yet truly believe that if i were to be in her position i would do the same thing. her bossiness, her ego and her toughness. i want to be like her, but i dont want to be exactly like her. i get so annoyed with things she does, but i know i am as bossy and as egoistic like her.


working on an essay.

woohoo testing testing. I am a walking blogger ohyeah. there used to be this cool term called live-blogging celeb bloggers are hired to blog on the spot during an event. now I can do it too. wahahhahaha jiwangwangjiwanggg.

will blog sooooon.

BYE INTI. thank yous to the people who've helped me become who i am at inti. will blog soon. exhausted, havent slept for more than 3 hours in 2 days. finals was draining, but its over. need to pack up, perhentian tonight! ;D

just one thing,

hey youu miss ah ho, you think you know SABS more than i do? you dont, so stop acting like i dont know my own school, i know all the ways to skip class and avoid the cameras so i am better than you. (hahhahaha bitchy high school girl taking over me) i have been bringing my phone to school every single day since form2, it was never about the rules, its really just about not getting caught. you teachers can NEVER outsmart a true sabs-ian, dont brainwash my juniors into following the school rules please. (hahahhaha, i apologize for my bitchiness but that miss ah ho bullied me back in form 4 so i kinda hate her until now)

INTIANS. yo. ;)

about leaving.

2 more weeks left in INTI. the thing i do best when i cannot deal with stuff, shut them out from my head. i have literally lived by the phrase "ignorance is bliss" when it comes to things i cannot handle. i push them so far back until sometimes, i forget it ever existed until reality hits and i am forced to rummage thru all the junk i have been shutting away, find that one precious thought, analyse it finally and conclude my feelings for it. well, its the same about leaving. i have been acting so cool about leaving because i dont wanna deal with my real emotions on this. i know i wont be able to pull through. but i must, i must leave. i walk very slow now in school. because i wanna breathe the INTIan air for a longer time. trying to remember all the things we did in each corner of the campus.

how on earth did ONE YEAR go by so quickly.

how the hell did i develop this passion for school.

shit why didnt i blog about every single detail of everyday about my life here. everyday has been awesome. someday when my memories are blurred and i need something to refer to when im reminiscing, where am i gonna find all that. shit shit shit.

..

forget it. i still cant deal with this.

the inconvenient truth//

thoughts. blogging in the dark cos my roommie wanted to sleep. watched a movie in the dark as well. Esay A is an awesome movie. nope im not saying that because i like chick flicks more than any other movie genre, its because it really is. theres a fairly important message that is carries, and it was altogether entertaining, and not to mention Penn Badgley was exceptionally hot in it, bare chest and his skin was a lil more tanned than when on GG. hahaha.

i had this really .... (insert adjective here) dream last night. i woke up feeling really bitter, and i missed you so badly. but i guess we just gotta wake up from dreams sometimes huh. i thought of all the things you said. and yeah it made so much sense to me now, although i had a hard time trying to convince myself its the inconvenient truth and i just gotta accept it sooner or later. we're not gonna happen.

i had these super wild thoughts. of seduction and mutual attraction and the pleasure of mutual presence. not gonna go into too much details. but. i'd die for a chance to prove all my fantasies wrong, if i had the capability to do so. which i have little faith on. you never occurred to me as a boy that was just one of the countless paperclips out there. a normal magnet couldnt get you. what can i do to decipher you. why are you such a puzzle. dying for a chance to be prove wrong, dying for a chance to finally tell myself,
"oh hes not all that."

about my heart, yeah its still bitter and its still shut. im desperate for a maxim. im desperate for a direction. im desperate to see or hear anything about you that would disgust me, im desperate to have the perfect image of you in my head shattered.

xcuses.

something funny from yesterday that made me smile.

was texting the ex, and he said,

"suan liao la, he dont have to come out with so many excuses if he wanted it from early"

haha so truee.

to my bestie.

dear bestie,

you know i dont use the term bestie so easily like other people right. i know you, and i want you to trust me when i say i do. and i know that you are gonna get really hurt in this thing. i dont know how to talk to you sometimes, but i really do feel that the bunch of people you are hanging around with is a bad influence. you engaging in that bitchy spam bully proves it. i know you promised you wont do it again, but i didnt come to remember you as that shallow person, especially in college. when was the last time you actually did something as bitchy as that, form 4? and the bitchiness all came back after so many years because you were mixing around with the wrong people i assume? i know those people make you feel special/safe/or blar, but you know, and i know that they and us, we have very different philosophies when it comes to friendship. and you know that because you feel the difference yourself. from what i see, most of the time they are trying to take advantage of you, not protecting your feelings and such. i may know very little about your relationships with them. but a gang that starts a gang-bully on one of their members is not a very truthful and loyal gang i would say. if you guys really dont like her that much, you guys could have told her, stop mixing around with her or such. but from what an outsider see is that, you guys are enjoying taking up on her, you guys are enjoying backstabbing her, talking bad about her even in front of her, enjoying isolating her, enjoying seeing her emo.. and again, thats not you, its just what your new friends made you become. we learnt to ignore all this shit in high school, we learnt to be nice to people, even people we dont like, we learnt how to control ourselves from becoming bitches, and most importantly, we learnt the value of friendship, we learnt so much in high school, why are you forgetting the stuff we've been through? and i know that because i know the real you, and genuine you thats nice and friends with everyone.

and him? hes just fucking around with your feelings. and deep down, i believe you know it as well, but you're just avoiding the thought for whatever the reason might be. thats an accusation im gonna make without solid basis, and i know its not right for me to say these things about him, i dont know much about him, but do you? and if you do, what makes you think you do? another accusation im gonna say about him, you're a backup plan. you might feel flattered, that out of the 2 girls you're chosen to become the backup plan, instead of her. but how long do you think he would toy with your heart? until hes bored of it? and then you're gonna get real hurt and waste all your time crying like a mad bitch over him? you keep saying that its not the matter of wanting to get over him or not, its the matter of whether you're capable of it or not. and once upon a time i used to agree to this, but now i dont.

because this whole situation has evolved into a rather simple life equation,

continue = prepare to get hurt

stop forcefully = emo for somewhat a few months, then get your life back on track

i know whats holding you back, you think you have hope, even if you know the possibility is as minimal as 0.1%, you think you still have hope. and i dont wanna deny that miracles sometimes do happen. but as a friend, my heart aches for you, you are 18 going on 19, you are attractive and clever, and you are popular in your circle of people, and you have a plan for your future, and your future is so bright. hes a distraction. have the courage to pull a giant full stop, we are all here for you to fall back on.

and i loveee youu.

i live and breathe and expertise at sarcasm. me being angry at something is a 100 times better than me being sarcastic. appreciate the times where i have yet to get so upset i become sarcastic.

my sarcasm is my weapon.

i am a full scale bitch with words like swords that cut through almost everything, especially human dignity.

family to me.

have been thinking for a bit lately. i keep trying to block out the thought of how little time i have left in inti, but i just cant pretend like the countdown is not happening. life is pretty awesome, im busier than ever, ADV race is just around the corner and i trying to get everyone to do their jobs (well at least in my program team where i have control over, other departments i dont wanna bother too much cos i know i'll get pissed off), trying to lighten things up but doing everything thr fun way. studying for tests hasnt been so esay before, i have 4 merely reading subjects and after science and maths changed me thoroughly last 2 sems, i realized how much i loved reading subjects. maybe of all the things that happened around us, the bonds kinda got alot stronger. college is so much different than high school. i remember in high school, people dont share as much, they have reps to take care of. college is just different. we're telling each other every single detail, and i found this method of sharing helps the broke heart to heal so much faster.

and i wanna clarify,

that i am not weak. i dont know why i broke down in the ktv. i was just kinda overwhelmed. dont judge my capability based on my overflowing emotions, i am still me.

okay busy timeee.

its violentines again.

i am disturbed by the thought of how disturbed i am for spending valentines alone.

i have never been so damn disturbed about it before.

DISTURBED.

plans for today : avoid all public places (sao concourse and such), avoid looking at those lovey dovey thingys, aka couples, get back to room as fast as im done with the application work, get emo and study alot.

im in a school dominated by lalas.

and lalas still kinda disgust me.

你太猖狂.

and so he said : you dont really like me, its just your stupid hormones, how can you like me when you dont even see me?

and so i said : so what if liking you is about my stupid hormones.

and he said : no spark.

and then he tries to joke the whole issue over.

and so i said :

你太猖狂

我以為痛苦可以分散
於是我忙到不能再忙

monday.
i stayed up til 2am, arranged a meet-up with kenny, woke up at 7:30 on monday, but my eyes were too swollen and red to go out so kenny had to wait for me til 8:30. hes such a sweet guy for guiding me through every single detail of the application for my college transcripts, walking with me upstairs and down for a few rounds just to get it done. luckily kenny was a natural talker, he did all the talking and i pretended to be interested. finally got it done, then waited for music class which was at 10am with kenny at ricoh centre. i was aye-okay, smiling and laughing to kenny's lame jokes. until i bumped into xt on my way to music class. she asked what happened, i couldnt get into the details, it was too soon, i would burst into tears on the spot. so i summarized : confessed, he said no spark. pulled a smiley face and walk faster telling her im rushing for class.

music class. miss lee was very funny so i was fine for abit. after class, ate with the A levels gang, planning for kharmen's birthday surprise worked perfectly as a distraction. i laughed hard when eexuen accidentally sent the text telling everyone about the surprise plan to kharmen. it was funny, i laughed until i was bitter. shopped for application stuff.. envelopes and such.

2pm. did arts and craft for gathering night's soft board. awesome distraction. went for econs class at 6pm.

skipped dinner and made everybody worried. i went back to bathe, thats all.

8pm, adventure gathering night meeting. didnt engage too much in the discussing, kept my head down reading my philosophy text. until i told bert. bert kept saying "its okay", emo-ed.

10pm, pulled on smiley face again to test the games we're playing for AUP's gathering night. laughed until it was bitter again.

11pm, went to celebrate kharmen's birthday. firecrackers! made up a story involving ghosts and such to scare her. drank eway's cider and got emo.

1am, went back, continued reading philosophy text. but it was too quiet i kept drifting off thinking about you.

2am. slept.

思念太猖狂 一個冷不防
一想起你 忙碌的生活變得空蕩蕩

tuesday.

8am philosophy class. almost fell asleep until a question was threw at me. kept pinching myself, it hurt, but it didnt keep me awake. borges was clearly unhappy with me.

10am, came back and slept for an hour. 避而不想, i kept telling myself, if i block the thoughts out im not gonna feel anything. at this time, being emotionless is the best way, i cant break down now, i have two events this week.

12pm, history class. was fine. blocked everything out. think and feel nothing was the aim. whatsapp-ed with bert and mayjean. printed some application materials until my ricoh account was barred, wanted to top-up my ricoh credit but i only had rm3 with me, felt like shit.

2:30 - 6:00 pm, cleaned the room, wiped the windows, everything was soo dusty, had to sweep thrice. did the laundry. tired like a bitch.

6pm, set up for gathering night.

我以為工作能夠療傷
甚至恨不得病倒再算

11pm, back. i think i have a fever, dehydration i guess.

i am still trying to think and feel nothing related to this whole shit.

對世界說謊 只把自己哄騙得更慘

"im okay. im really okay"

ON ZEN MODE.

偉大的你還想我怎樣

quickie.

for once in a few years time, im actually feeling the cny mood. i dont know, maybe its because its gonna be my last, and the weather is really shitty.

it feels real nice to have all the JINGs back at home. i mean, its very nice. we talk and laugh and make fun of each other, we download same apps and play em together, help mama with the cny foodstuff, cny shopping, help each other with jumbline when we cant get the words. i love my brothers. ;D

so. what happened on jeremy's birthday? i was waiting for someone to jio but nothing happened. hm.

wo xi huan ni, xi huan dao yao si.

wo hen stress. stress dao ke yi si.

ni zai na li? D;

about club work.

i get really upset when you people dont show up, especially like today. but i never show my disappointment. because i still want you people to think i am superwoman, but i think its not working, you people are taking me for granted. i have never gotten mad at anyone until i start shouting at people, because i dont think its the right way to run a club, but maybe i will rethink that one. i know its fucking tiring and boring and annoying to decorate a soft board. but when 14 people do it together the tiredness, annoyed-ness and stress is 13 times less than when you're doing it alone. well maybe i should be happy more than 50% showed up today? and for those who had an interview for another event, you people know who you are, i am super disappointed you prioritize that event more than your home-club.

i am not against you guys wanting to get involved in more college events, but you people should know that your priority is always with your home-club. i dont know whats going on in your heads.

and to you, the person i thought i could trust with club duties,

i asked for a membership card design a week ago, you do it on the spot when i ask for it again. and you start showing me stock images from the internet. its very unprofessional and it made me doubt your commitment again. i took the time to write out the guidelines so that you can design it smoothly, but you lose the paper. when you are stressed you shout, calling people bitches and yelling the F word. you arent the only one whos tired and bored. everyone is. so can you please be more matured. you complain about people calling you lala, but everything about you and how you behave yourself spells lala. when i remind you about a task you get annoyed. its your obligations and if you cant even do it, you're thinking about handling 3/4 events at a time? i seriously think you should reconsider. you had 2 weeks to call for a program team meeting, but you didnt. you had a sembreak and 2 weeks to design a simple tee shirt and you didnt. you're head of publicity but you never update the facebook page, the side board, and you didnt even think of how to do the exhibition week soft board. you talk of a website/forum, but i have expecting you to show me something for like? 3 months? when i ask you whats wrong why are you not doing your jobs, you tell me you have girl problems.

and you ask me why am i dulan with you. seriously? what do you think.

//disappointed.

mus105 dilemma resolved!

finally decided what to do for my music class presentation.

but i'll have to learn the lyrics, learn how to play by watching a youtube video and then tranpose it and then play it well in 5 days!

and i dont have a keyboard to practice with, CAN I DO IT!!


yes i caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

aza!

sorry.

maybe. i totally shouldnt have sent that message.

its so natural for me to speak my mind here in inti, i forget that people sometimes hate it.


if i hurt anyone i am sincerely sorry. i didnt mean it.

birthday with inti gang.

my birthday was awesomee.

friday was a public holiday here in negeri sembilan. to be honest i was emo for like.. a day on wednesday cos we had plans to go to genting for my birthday on saturday, but alot of them are going back for the weekend, and adventure club committees had a camp at pangkor island, so our plan just fell apart completely.

i was emo, so emo, it was my last birthday in malaysia for 5 years, and i dont have my family with me, i dont have my kuantan buddies whom i have ALWAYS spent my birthday with since a hundred years ago, and everybody is going home for the weekend?! but we just got back from sem break didnt we? i was really disturbed, and i seriously doubted the depth of our friendship at that point, but i didnt show. i was smiley and rational all the way.

wednesday afternoon.

went to giant with jojo, yk, leroy, xt, ferng, ztao. and yk and leroy was just making fun of me all the time. GOT EVEN EMO. damn you johor boys, all laki jahanam! bumped into kaen and the other a levels gang on the bus back to inti, their faces were literally the O.O face when they saw me getting up the bus. i was confused, but later i found out it was they were on their way to secret recipe. to get my cake. ;D

later, kaen texts me for a movie date. (me and kaen are movie buddies) i rejected at first, because i had my philosophy readings to do, i had philosophy the next day, and you dont wanna NOT do your reading before dr B's class. and to read 30 pages worth of plato, and socrates, and other unknown philosophers is just difficult for me. but kaen was being soo persistent that way it kinda freaked me out. non-stop begging me to watch the movie with him, LOL! so i decided to go la, if not kaen merajuk i lagi die. i didnt suspect anything!

our date was at 9pm, but we ended up buying food and lepaking till 10pm. kinda wondered why kaen is not bothered at all, he was so eager to watch that movie. shee sze lagi selamba! say wanna watch movie but keep facebooking ny. then we finally started to watch THE THREE IDIOTS at around 10.20pm.. but we only got through the first 20 minutes of the movie, eh, i really enjoyed the movie lor, it was so funny. ALL OF THE SUDDEN. eexuen texts to ask us to go for burger. and then callie and jou shows up. (when i think of it now, quite weird lorr, they came right after their meeting and our secret movie place wasnt so easy to find) and callie keeps complaining of being verryyy hungryy. =.= so okay lor, we off-ed the movie and went down to find eexuen at SAO. (even funnier scenario: eexuen was with a bunch of LEOs who were painting some artwork for the food bazaar, and eexuen is a stact committee, what was he doing with a bunch of LEOs?) still didnt suspect a thing. facebook-ed on the iphone while walking down to the burger stall.

SUDDENLY! when i looked up from my iphone. i saw a big bunch of familiar faces, with a huge E-V-E on the ground made up of lit-up candles! and a cake from their secret recipe trip earlier of course! I LOVE SURPRISES! ;DDD

after the song and the wishes, they BLINDFOLDED me!

fuiyo i was alittle scared to be honest. they all told me their feelings for me, all platonic feelings dont worry lol. i cried :'D

it was all great.

thursday, regular classes. philosophy class went great. i managed to read up the remaining 15 pages at the library before class.

gilbert told his white lies at dinner. telling me to wear formal for the outing on friday. a lie i didnt buy from the beginning. sorry larh bert, kinda fake le.

friday.

midvalley. their another surprise plan kinda backfired cause i didnt get pissed because xt FFK-ed , and i didnt bitch about her like they planned. hahah. BUT it was all good, they got me a M.A.C. makeup kit. very cool huh. ;DD

pressies gratitude:

1. thankss kaen and the a levels gang for the cake!
2. thankss eexuen for the big bag of asian junk food! i still have some now!
3. thanks everybody for the make up kit!
4. thanks guangyi, grace, tty, eugene for the kotex! HAHAHHA.

love you people. so. much.

天天想你.

天天想你, 天天问自己, 到什么时候才能告诉你.

美国不好么, 为什么他们都要去英国. 英国兑换率又高, 天气又不好, 地方又小.

D; 为什么不来美国呢?

你又什么时候会去呢. 明年? 真的不会再看到你了吗? 明明都在大马, 干吗不珍惜时间赶快见见面呢. 现在都已经想得要死了, 去了美国不是会想得更厉害?

暑假可以来美国找我吗, but 很清楚你不肯能这么做.

那我可以去英国找你吗? 酱会显得我很despo吗? 去英国可以是去找很多人, saiful 也会在那对吧. 那如果我是说去找saiful, 顺便见见你, 会很恶心吗?

为什么我的喜怒哀乐总是被你牵动着. 可以不要那么多愁善感吗.

baby shi ni.

i smile when i think of you.

even when i think of the times i wait by the phone til i go crazy,

even when i think of all the times our plans to see each other fall apart,

even when i think of the times where i lived in denial of my feelings for you.

i still smile when i think of you.

because you are you, and i am me,

time cant change who we are inside.

108 108 108

just a short update.

my toefl score kinda rocked. 108, very nice number for a conservative chinese girl like me! hahahaha



okay blogging mode is off til further notice.