the inconvenient truth//

thoughts. blogging in the dark cos my roommie wanted to sleep. watched a movie in the dark as well. Esay A is an awesome movie. nope im not saying that because i like chick flicks more than any other movie genre, its because it really is. theres a fairly important message that is carries, and it was altogether entertaining, and not to mention Penn Badgley was exceptionally hot in it, bare chest and his skin was a lil more tanned than when on GG. hahaha.

i had this really .... (insert adjective here) dream last night. i woke up feeling really bitter, and i missed you so badly. but i guess we just gotta wake up from dreams sometimes huh. i thought of all the things you said. and yeah it made so much sense to me now, although i had a hard time trying to convince myself its the inconvenient truth and i just gotta accept it sooner or later. we're not gonna happen.

i had these super wild thoughts. of seduction and mutual attraction and the pleasure of mutual presence. not gonna go into too much details. but. i'd die for a chance to prove all my fantasies wrong, if i had the capability to do so. which i have little faith on. you never occurred to me as a boy that was just one of the countless paperclips out there. a normal magnet couldnt get you. what can i do to decipher you. why are you such a puzzle. dying for a chance to be prove wrong, dying for a chance to finally tell myself,
"oh hes not all that."

about my heart, yeah its still bitter and its still shut. im desperate for a maxim. im desperate for a direction. im desperate to see or hear anything about you that would disgust me, im desperate to have the perfect image of you in my head shattered.

xcuses.

something funny from yesterday that made me smile.

was texting the ex, and he said,

"suan liao la, he dont have to come out with so many excuses if he wanted it from early"

haha so truee.

to my bestie.

dear bestie,

you know i dont use the term bestie so easily like other people right. i know you, and i want you to trust me when i say i do. and i know that you are gonna get really hurt in this thing. i dont know how to talk to you sometimes, but i really do feel that the bunch of people you are hanging around with is a bad influence. you engaging in that bitchy spam bully proves it. i know you promised you wont do it again, but i didnt come to remember you as that shallow person, especially in college. when was the last time you actually did something as bitchy as that, form 4? and the bitchiness all came back after so many years because you were mixing around with the wrong people i assume? i know those people make you feel special/safe/or blar, but you know, and i know that they and us, we have very different philosophies when it comes to friendship. and you know that because you feel the difference yourself. from what i see, most of the time they are trying to take advantage of you, not protecting your feelings and such. i may know very little about your relationships with them. but a gang that starts a gang-bully on one of their members is not a very truthful and loyal gang i would say. if you guys really dont like her that much, you guys could have told her, stop mixing around with her or such. but from what an outsider see is that, you guys are enjoying taking up on her, you guys are enjoying backstabbing her, talking bad about her even in front of her, enjoying isolating her, enjoying seeing her emo.. and again, thats not you, its just what your new friends made you become. we learnt to ignore all this shit in high school, we learnt to be nice to people, even people we dont like, we learnt how to control ourselves from becoming bitches, and most importantly, we learnt the value of friendship, we learnt so much in high school, why are you forgetting the stuff we've been through? and i know that because i know the real you, and genuine you thats nice and friends with everyone.

and him? hes just fucking around with your feelings. and deep down, i believe you know it as well, but you're just avoiding the thought for whatever the reason might be. thats an accusation im gonna make without solid basis, and i know its not right for me to say these things about him, i dont know much about him, but do you? and if you do, what makes you think you do? another accusation im gonna say about him, you're a backup plan. you might feel flattered, that out of the 2 girls you're chosen to become the backup plan, instead of her. but how long do you think he would toy with your heart? until hes bored of it? and then you're gonna get real hurt and waste all your time crying like a mad bitch over him? you keep saying that its not the matter of wanting to get over him or not, its the matter of whether you're capable of it or not. and once upon a time i used to agree to this, but now i dont.

because this whole situation has evolved into a rather simple life equation,

continue = prepare to get hurt

stop forcefully = emo for somewhat a few months, then get your life back on track

i know whats holding you back, you think you have hope, even if you know the possibility is as minimal as 0.1%, you think you still have hope. and i dont wanna deny that miracles sometimes do happen. but as a friend, my heart aches for you, you are 18 going on 19, you are attractive and clever, and you are popular in your circle of people, and you have a plan for your future, and your future is so bright. hes a distraction. have the courage to pull a giant full stop, we are all here for you to fall back on.

and i loveee youu.

i live and breathe and expertise at sarcasm. me being angry at something is a 100 times better than me being sarcastic. appreciate the times where i have yet to get so upset i become sarcastic.

my sarcasm is my weapon.

i am a full scale bitch with words like swords that cut through almost everything, especially human dignity.

family to me.

have been thinking for a bit lately. i keep trying to block out the thought of how little time i have left in inti, but i just cant pretend like the countdown is not happening. life is pretty awesome, im busier than ever, ADV race is just around the corner and i trying to get everyone to do their jobs (well at least in my program team where i have control over, other departments i dont wanna bother too much cos i know i'll get pissed off), trying to lighten things up but doing everything thr fun way. studying for tests hasnt been so esay before, i have 4 merely reading subjects and after science and maths changed me thoroughly last 2 sems, i realized how much i loved reading subjects. maybe of all the things that happened around us, the bonds kinda got alot stronger. college is so much different than high school. i remember in high school, people dont share as much, they have reps to take care of. college is just different. we're telling each other every single detail, and i found this method of sharing helps the broke heart to heal so much faster.

and i wanna clarify,

that i am not weak. i dont know why i broke down in the ktv. i was just kinda overwhelmed. dont judge my capability based on my overflowing emotions, i am still me.

okay busy timeee.

its violentines again.

i am disturbed by the thought of how disturbed i am for spending valentines alone.

i have never been so damn disturbed about it before.

DISTURBED.

plans for today : avoid all public places (sao concourse and such), avoid looking at those lovey dovey thingys, aka couples, get back to room as fast as im done with the application work, get emo and study alot.

im in a school dominated by lalas.

and lalas still kinda disgust me.