family to me.

have been thinking for a bit lately. i keep trying to block out the thought of how little time i have left in inti, but i just cant pretend like the countdown is not happening. life is pretty awesome, im busier than ever, ADV race is just around the corner and i trying to get everyone to do their jobs (well at least in my program team where i have control over, other departments i dont wanna bother too much cos i know i'll get pissed off), trying to lighten things up but doing everything thr fun way. studying for tests hasnt been so esay before, i have 4 merely reading subjects and after science and maths changed me thoroughly last 2 sems, i realized how much i loved reading subjects. maybe of all the things that happened around us, the bonds kinda got alot stronger. college is so much different than high school. i remember in high school, people dont share as much, they have reps to take care of. college is just different. we're telling each other every single detail, and i found this method of sharing helps the broke heart to heal so much faster.

and i wanna clarify,

that i am not weak. i dont know why i broke down in the ktv. i was just kinda overwhelmed. dont judge my capability based on my overflowing emotions, i am still me.

okay busy timeee.

its violentines again.

i am disturbed by the thought of how disturbed i am for spending valentines alone.

i have never been so damn disturbed about it before.

DISTURBED.

plans for today : avoid all public places (sao concourse and such), avoid looking at those lovey dovey thingys, aka couples, get back to room as fast as im done with the application work, get emo and study alot.

im in a school dominated by lalas.

and lalas still kinda disgust me.

你太猖狂.

and so he said : you dont really like me, its just your stupid hormones, how can you like me when you dont even see me?

and so i said : so what if liking you is about my stupid hormones.

and he said : no spark.

and then he tries to joke the whole issue over.

and so i said :

你太猖狂

我以為痛苦可以分散
於是我忙到不能再忙

monday.
i stayed up til 2am, arranged a meet-up with kenny, woke up at 7:30 on monday, but my eyes were too swollen and red to go out so kenny had to wait for me til 8:30. hes such a sweet guy for guiding me through every single detail of the application for my college transcripts, walking with me upstairs and down for a few rounds just to get it done. luckily kenny was a natural talker, he did all the talking and i pretended to be interested. finally got it done, then waited for music class which was at 10am with kenny at ricoh centre. i was aye-okay, smiling and laughing to kenny's lame jokes. until i bumped into xt on my way to music class. she asked what happened, i couldnt get into the details, it was too soon, i would burst into tears on the spot. so i summarized : confessed, he said no spark. pulled a smiley face and walk faster telling her im rushing for class.

music class. miss lee was very funny so i was fine for abit. after class, ate with the A levels gang, planning for kharmen's birthday surprise worked perfectly as a distraction. i laughed hard when eexuen accidentally sent the text telling everyone about the surprise plan to kharmen. it was funny, i laughed until i was bitter. shopped for application stuff.. envelopes and such.

2pm. did arts and craft for gathering night's soft board. awesome distraction. went for econs class at 6pm.

skipped dinner and made everybody worried. i went back to bathe, thats all.

8pm, adventure gathering night meeting. didnt engage too much in the discussing, kept my head down reading my philosophy text. until i told bert. bert kept saying "its okay", emo-ed.

10pm, pulled on smiley face again to test the games we're playing for AUP's gathering night. laughed until it was bitter again.

11pm, went to celebrate kharmen's birthday. firecrackers! made up a story involving ghosts and such to scare her. drank eway's cider and got emo.

1am, went back, continued reading philosophy text. but it was too quiet i kept drifting off thinking about you.

2am. slept.

思念太猖狂 一個冷不防
一想起你 忙碌的生活變得空蕩蕩

tuesday.

8am philosophy class. almost fell asleep until a question was threw at me. kept pinching myself, it hurt, but it didnt keep me awake. borges was clearly unhappy with me.

10am, came back and slept for an hour. 避而不想, i kept telling myself, if i block the thoughts out im not gonna feel anything. at this time, being emotionless is the best way, i cant break down now, i have two events this week.

12pm, history class. was fine. blocked everything out. think and feel nothing was the aim. whatsapp-ed with bert and mayjean. printed some application materials until my ricoh account was barred, wanted to top-up my ricoh credit but i only had rm3 with me, felt like shit.

2:30 - 6:00 pm, cleaned the room, wiped the windows, everything was soo dusty, had to sweep thrice. did the laundry. tired like a bitch.

6pm, set up for gathering night.

我以為工作能夠療傷
甚至恨不得病倒再算

11pm, back. i think i have a fever, dehydration i guess.

i am still trying to think and feel nothing related to this whole shit.

對世界說謊 只把自己哄騙得更慘

"im okay. im really okay"

ON ZEN MODE.

偉大的你還想我怎樣

quickie.

for once in a few years time, im actually feeling the cny mood. i dont know, maybe its because its gonna be my last, and the weather is really shitty.

it feels real nice to have all the JINGs back at home. i mean, its very nice. we talk and laugh and make fun of each other, we download same apps and play em together, help mama with the cny foodstuff, cny shopping, help each other with jumbline when we cant get the words. i love my brothers. ;D

so. what happened on jeremy's birthday? i was waiting for someone to jio but nothing happened. hm.

wo xi huan ni, xi huan dao yao si.

wo hen stress. stress dao ke yi si.

ni zai na li? D;

about club work.

i get really upset when you people dont show up, especially like today. but i never show my disappointment. because i still want you people to think i am superwoman, but i think its not working, you people are taking me for granted. i have never gotten mad at anyone until i start shouting at people, because i dont think its the right way to run a club, but maybe i will rethink that one. i know its fucking tiring and boring and annoying to decorate a soft board. but when 14 people do it together the tiredness, annoyed-ness and stress is 13 times less than when you're doing it alone. well maybe i should be happy more than 50% showed up today? and for those who had an interview for another event, you people know who you are, i am super disappointed you prioritize that event more than your home-club.

i am not against you guys wanting to get involved in more college events, but you people should know that your priority is always with your home-club. i dont know whats going on in your heads.

and to you, the person i thought i could trust with club duties,

i asked for a membership card design a week ago, you do it on the spot when i ask for it again. and you start showing me stock images from the internet. its very unprofessional and it made me doubt your commitment again. i took the time to write out the guidelines so that you can design it smoothly, but you lose the paper. when you are stressed you shout, calling people bitches and yelling the F word. you arent the only one whos tired and bored. everyone is. so can you please be more matured. you complain about people calling you lala, but everything about you and how you behave yourself spells lala. when i remind you about a task you get annoyed. its your obligations and if you cant even do it, you're thinking about handling 3/4 events at a time? i seriously think you should reconsider. you had 2 weeks to call for a program team meeting, but you didnt. you had a sembreak and 2 weeks to design a simple tee shirt and you didnt. you're head of publicity but you never update the facebook page, the side board, and you didnt even think of how to do the exhibition week soft board. you talk of a website/forum, but i have expecting you to show me something for like? 3 months? when i ask you whats wrong why are you not doing your jobs, you tell me you have girl problems.

and you ask me why am i dulan with you. seriously? what do you think.

//disappointed.