emma!

pixie cuts are so prettyyyyy.

i secretly wish that i could pull the pixie cut off. but that would mean i need a ULTRA SKINNY FACE & BODY. so its not happening.

and, its not very secret anymore. hah.

damni'msolonely.

i kinda want him back. like. hes the only one that will love me for who i am. but i fucked up because i was young and stupid and i thought there is going to be more to life than to commit to a stable relationship. and now hes happy and im bitter with all the thoughts of that lucky girl could've been me if i just held on to my shitty emotions longer. i dont have a big heart, i get jealous easily. i got him in the first place by showing my jealousy. i finally felt like i needed him because i was jealous of something he had with another girl when i was away at another country for vacation. my jealousy got us together but i let things slip away because things were getting stable. i know i was the kind of girl that cant stay away from drama, and when things became nice and peaceful i got bored. so yeah, that was me. it took me so long to realize that all a girl needs is a person to always be there. i let go of that person who is the only person in the world until now who would do that for me. and i am caught in a loop with a guy that will never love me back. ungrateful? yeah, i used to think its worth the chase, but i guess im getting too old for this shit. yes i will stay away. and thank you dearest you, for letting feel loved for a brief period of time, when i think about us, i think about the cute things we through and less of the times where i was being a bitch, and sorry i was a bitch. and thank you to you too, for breaking my heart over and over again, i will stay away.

i will stay away, from both of you.

way to go, eve, you always fuck everything up. wo hen lonely la tamade.

cant blog.

i miss writing. but i cant do it anymore, i spent too much of my writing mojo on history class. but it was worth it, i got full marks and a comment of "excellent paper" for midterm. yeah, i was born and raised in asia and i write perfect analysis papers in english, TAKE THAT LANCI AMERICAN KIDS.

i miss home. ;D

that question.

he knows that i can adapt to new environments very quickly, he also knows that i can live without talking to him. but he doesnt know that i dont want to.

he knows that i stalk. he knows that i calculate time difference just to talk to him. but he doesnt know that i love knowing that he knows that i stalk, and he doesnt know how much it hurts to see him replying to other people's comments but not to my message. he doesnt know that i was paranoid enough to check the ipad every 20 seconds to see whether he replied, just because it was midnight here and noon there so chances of him coming online and read the message are high. he also doesnt know that i spent 7 hours on my drawing, which i normally spend only 5 hours, because i was troubled and emotional my hands were shaking i couldnt even draw a straight line properly. he doesnt know how many times i typed and backspaced a single message until i finally calmed down and typed a question i rephrased a thousand times in my head, just because i was trying to convince myself i have no rights to be mad over this.

"just frickkin reply, its not like im gonna go crazy" phrase that was replayed for a gazillion times throughout the day.

but he knows that i am gonna go crazy, i like the way he always know how i will react to things, even though he knows nothing about my life. i like the way he compares the current me to the me in form3 and tells me im still so childish. but i hate all of that too. why cant he just get to now the current me better, spend a little more time asking me about my life, something he promised he would do but never did.

I was special, she reminded you of ME. how on earth did that change inversely. i like her, i like the person you described through texts, i think i can totally get along with her. but i hate that you guys had so much more than we ever did. fuck.

FUCK.

"whats going on between you and her?"

FUCK, IF HE KNOWS THAT I STALK, HE'D KNOW THAT I KNOW HES IGNORING MY MESSAGE.

not us.

if only i had the courage to write the things so many other girls are writing on your wall, i wouldn't be me anymore, but also maybe you and me would've become us. i choose to be true to myself anytime, anywhere, under any sort of circumstances, i have the strongest ego and i just cannot bring myself to doing all those things, even if i wanted to, so badly. i am so angry but i cant direct the anger towards you. so i am angry with myself for not being angry at you, and i am angry because you are you. but you are you, and i am me. you are there, and i am here half way around the globe. so therefore, you and me are not us.

3 films!

three films!

//cant really think of any special movies so im just gonna type the first 3 that comes into mind, im sure it means something if my mind have thought about them first. hahaha.

1. ten things i hate about you. BEST CHICK FLICK EVER. and heath ledger is sooooo lala its just epic.

2. 2 young. fiona sit and jaycee fong has the best chemistry as a newcomer couple, i've probably watched the movie for a 100 times and i still cry every time.

3. memoirs of a geisha. i dont know how accurate the book/movie portrays the life of a geisha (because the author is a angmoh mar lol), but i was really drawn, maybe its because i never thought gongli can play hatsumomo (BIG BITCH) sooo well, and ken watanabe.. no need to say, is smoking hot for an old uncle. AHAH.

four books!

four books!

1. harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban, j.k. rowling. harry goes through puberty and gets cranky and emotional and it was sorta the time he discovers himself. so yeah, i read it when i was going through my mid-teens and it related to me.

2. neverwhere, neil gaiman. the main story is about how all major cities like london, and new york have a underground version of it, and the residents are all people who've fallen between the "cracks" of the buzzes of a big city. its awesome because of the hidden message behind it -- to never give up and not to underestimate or undermine people who might seem to be weaker or poorer or stupider than you, made me ponder. and i found out that it was made into a tv series, but i couldn't find it online.

3. leaving mother lake, by namu. its a crazy world namu lived in where her siblings do not bear the same last name as her, and her mother gets men knocking on her window every night, and it was inspiring how a girl from the grasslands of tibet traveled to the cities to make it in singing, and finally meeting someone and moved to the US. i was 12/13/14 when i read it, and the book lingered after i finished it for about 1 day, i just kept thinking about it. and then when i was in form4/5 i read something online saying that namu was like this attention-craving bimbo and that her story was a big exaggeration to gain sympathy and blar, I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED!! but it was still a veryy good story.

4. the kitchen god's wife, amy tan. amy tan is awesome, as usual, if you dont know her, get started with the movie "the joy luck club". the book i read was my aunt helen's, and it was so old it didn't have a back cover, and the front cover's edges were all eaten by worms (?). so i made a back cover for it and wrapped it in nice plastic. the book was absorbing, its about a chinese girl that was a daughter to a rich family with several wives, and how she was thrown around and forced to marry someone during wartime blar blar blar.

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on the side note:

i arrived at chicago safe and sound. orientation is a BIG bore, but i did get to meet a boy from inti subang so i dont have to speak in my weird american accent all day long, and i get to use my 'lah-s' and 'lor-s' and other cina words. finally met sarah, the malaysian senior in arch whom i was exchanging emails with all summer and she looks awesome. i took some pictures so i will be doing a picture-ful blogpost soon. ;D