woohoo testing testing. I am a walking blogger ohyeah. there used to be this cool term called live-blogging celeb bloggers are hired to blog on the spot during an event. now I can do it too. wahahhahaha jiwangwangjiwanggg.

will blog sooooon.

BYE INTI. thank yous to the people who've helped me become who i am at inti. will blog soon. exhausted, havent slept for more than 3 hours in 2 days. finals was draining, but its over. need to pack up, perhentian tonight! ;D

just one thing,

hey youu miss ah ho, you think you know SABS more than i do? you dont, so stop acting like i dont know my own school, i know all the ways to skip class and avoid the cameras so i am better than you. (hahhahaha bitchy high school girl taking over me) i have been bringing my phone to school every single day since form2, it was never about the rules, its really just about not getting caught. you teachers can NEVER outsmart a true sabs-ian, dont brainwash my juniors into following the school rules please. (hahahhaha, i apologize for my bitchiness but that miss ah ho bullied me back in form 4 so i kinda hate her until now)

INTIANS. yo. ;)

about leaving.

2 more weeks left in INTI. the thing i do best when i cannot deal with stuff, shut them out from my head. i have literally lived by the phrase "ignorance is bliss" when it comes to things i cannot handle. i push them so far back until sometimes, i forget it ever existed until reality hits and i am forced to rummage thru all the junk i have been shutting away, find that one precious thought, analyse it finally and conclude my feelings for it. well, its the same about leaving. i have been acting so cool about leaving because i dont wanna deal with my real emotions on this. i know i wont be able to pull through. but i must, i must leave. i walk very slow now in school. because i wanna breathe the INTIan air for a longer time. trying to remember all the things we did in each corner of the campus.

how on earth did ONE YEAR go by so quickly.

how the hell did i develop this passion for school.

shit why didnt i blog about every single detail of everyday about my life here. everyday has been awesome. someday when my memories are blurred and i need something to refer to when im reminiscing, where am i gonna find all that. shit shit shit.

..

forget it. i still cant deal with this.

the inconvenient truth//

thoughts. blogging in the dark cos my roommie wanted to sleep. watched a movie in the dark as well. Esay A is an awesome movie. nope im not saying that because i like chick flicks more than any other movie genre, its because it really is. theres a fairly important message that is carries, and it was altogether entertaining, and not to mention Penn Badgley was exceptionally hot in it, bare chest and his skin was a lil more tanned than when on GG. hahaha.

i had this really .... (insert adjective here) dream last night. i woke up feeling really bitter, and i missed you so badly. but i guess we just gotta wake up from dreams sometimes huh. i thought of all the things you said. and yeah it made so much sense to me now, although i had a hard time trying to convince myself its the inconvenient truth and i just gotta accept it sooner or later. we're not gonna happen.

i had these super wild thoughts. of seduction and mutual attraction and the pleasure of mutual presence. not gonna go into too much details. but. i'd die for a chance to prove all my fantasies wrong, if i had the capability to do so. which i have little faith on. you never occurred to me as a boy that was just one of the countless paperclips out there. a normal magnet couldnt get you. what can i do to decipher you. why are you such a puzzle. dying for a chance to be prove wrong, dying for a chance to finally tell myself,
"oh hes not all that."

about my heart, yeah its still bitter and its still shut. im desperate for a maxim. im desperate for a direction. im desperate to see or hear anything about you that would disgust me, im desperate to have the perfect image of you in my head shattered.

xcuses.

something funny from yesterday that made me smile.

was texting the ex, and he said,

"suan liao la, he dont have to come out with so many excuses if he wanted it from early"

haha so truee.

to my bestie.

dear bestie,

you know i dont use the term bestie so easily like other people right. i know you, and i want you to trust me when i say i do. and i know that you are gonna get really hurt in this thing. i dont know how to talk to you sometimes, but i really do feel that the bunch of people you are hanging around with is a bad influence. you engaging in that bitchy spam bully proves it. i know you promised you wont do it again, but i didnt come to remember you as that shallow person, especially in college. when was the last time you actually did something as bitchy as that, form 4? and the bitchiness all came back after so many years because you were mixing around with the wrong people i assume? i know those people make you feel special/safe/or blar, but you know, and i know that they and us, we have very different philosophies when it comes to friendship. and you know that because you feel the difference yourself. from what i see, most of the time they are trying to take advantage of you, not protecting your feelings and such. i may know very little about your relationships with them. but a gang that starts a gang-bully on one of their members is not a very truthful and loyal gang i would say. if you guys really dont like her that much, you guys could have told her, stop mixing around with her or such. but from what an outsider see is that, you guys are enjoying taking up on her, you guys are enjoying backstabbing her, talking bad about her even in front of her, enjoying isolating her, enjoying seeing her emo.. and again, thats not you, its just what your new friends made you become. we learnt to ignore all this shit in high school, we learnt to be nice to people, even people we dont like, we learnt how to control ourselves from becoming bitches, and most importantly, we learnt the value of friendship, we learnt so much in high school, why are you forgetting the stuff we've been through? and i know that because i know the real you, and genuine you thats nice and friends with everyone.

and him? hes just fucking around with your feelings. and deep down, i believe you know it as well, but you're just avoiding the thought for whatever the reason might be. thats an accusation im gonna make without solid basis, and i know its not right for me to say these things about him, i dont know much about him, but do you? and if you do, what makes you think you do? another accusation im gonna say about him, you're a backup plan. you might feel flattered, that out of the 2 girls you're chosen to become the backup plan, instead of her. but how long do you think he would toy with your heart? until hes bored of it? and then you're gonna get real hurt and waste all your time crying like a mad bitch over him? you keep saying that its not the matter of wanting to get over him or not, its the matter of whether you're capable of it or not. and once upon a time i used to agree to this, but now i dont.

because this whole situation has evolved into a rather simple life equation,

continue = prepare to get hurt

stop forcefully = emo for somewhat a few months, then get your life back on track

i know whats holding you back, you think you have hope, even if you know the possibility is as minimal as 0.1%, you think you still have hope. and i dont wanna deny that miracles sometimes do happen. but as a friend, my heart aches for you, you are 18 going on 19, you are attractive and clever, and you are popular in your circle of people, and you have a plan for your future, and your future is so bright. hes a distraction. have the courage to pull a giant full stop, we are all here for you to fall back on.

and i loveee youu.

i live and breathe and expertise at sarcasm. me being angry at something is a 100 times better than me being sarcastic. appreciate the times where i have yet to get so upset i become sarcastic.

my sarcasm is my weapon.

i am a full scale bitch with words like swords that cut through almost everything, especially human dignity.