saya ada satu dilemma.

i really didnt expect myself to get into top twelve. everyone is so damn good, and what exactly is evelyn wong good at? judges keep saying i've got a unique voice, and it ends there. i keep forgetting lyrics, i pull a cheeky face and it slips pass the judges' minds. and about bleeding love, i've never really practiced it before. i cant even remember the words well. i didnt bother to warm up before the 2nd audition. i dont know what i've done, but they laughed. and laughed. did i say something funny? no i didnt intend to throw a joke at all. im sometimes annoyed because ppl often tell me this. jjwong i look at you and i feel like laughing. and they expect me to feel flattered ar? srsly what the hell, was that a compliment? the other chick that sang bleeding love totally rocked it. they purposely announced her name last and she nearly cried because she thought she wasnt gonna get in. SHE WAS GONNA CRY. i swear. and i wondered, why are these people taking this whole thing so damn seriously? maybe the problem is with me. i should be more serious with this, i should have thought of all this before i rushed into the 1st audition. there must be a reason why i've walked past the idol booth every single morning and didnt even think i wanna join. there must be a reason i didnt bother to read up the lyrics thoroughly, a reason why i didnt transfer the song into my phone and listen to it every single day. maybe deep down i knew i didnt want this. SO WHY DID I RUSH INTO THIS WHOLE THING? alfred asked me something that made me ponder for quite some time. "whats the prize for the winner?" WHATS THE PRIZE? i dont knowwwww. why didnt i care to find out?

what do i want from this competition?!

the attention? i guess not, i didnt really enjoy the sudden exposure. i didnt like other people telling me that the judges loved my voice. i hate people flattering me. WHY IS THAT? i developed a phobia towards all these comments and opinions that the people around me tak sabar2 wanna tell me about. since the release of spm results. everyone keep telling to chill cos i'll definitely get straight As, and it never happened. i dont like praises anymore. i srsly cant answer that question now. the judges keep telling me they liked my voice, my rythm, my frills. when i know i sucked singing that song, so i start doubting myself and feeling nice at thee same time. and then i go bonkers because of the mix of emotions.

what do i want from this competition?!

3 songs for finals. the moment i heard this coming from the facis, i only wanted to drop out. but then congratulating texts keep coming and im confused. why am i doing this? so that my friends will be proud of me? really? when they say there will be a practice and recording for the theme song, i only wanted to drop out and go back to kuantan and eat cendol. but then i thought it'd be cool to be around music people and sing with them, it'd be a great experience, but then i look around and i see all their lanci faces. DAMN. and then i thought i've never been in a recording studio, i've had a recording session with choir back in the good ole days, but never in a real professional studio before, it'd be so damn cool. but that would mean, not getting to go back to kuantan. no jelly ice and teluk chempedak and my red wira. but i can go back anytime, inti idol top 12 doesnt always just knock on the door and invite you along. but i really wanna go home..

what the hell do i want.