imaginary letter from me to you.

esther lau inspired me to do this. its stupid, but comforting.

the title says imaginary, because i will NEVER say these things to you. never. never,

NEVER.

dear you,

its been approxly 4 months since we last saw each other. i miss you, i miss your witty jokes, i miss trying so hard to hear to talk because you always talk so softly, i miss looking upwards to see your chinky eyes looking at me, i miss you bragging to me about how popular you are with girls in college, i miss you telling me you miss me too. i wanna show you how i act when im not with you. because the evelyn everyone else except you knows is alot different than the one you know. i am strong, i am a leader, and i am pretty much a big bitch. but you never knew that side of me.because i am a little girl when im with you. no, that evelyn you come to be familiar with is the evelyn in love. i talk in this high pitched, cute voice. and i dont do crazy things like i always do. i stop saying the f word. and i always let you win, let you take the pride, because you have a macho ego. if i wasnt in love with you, i would hate you. i hate men with ego. but its so sexy when it comes to you. i am happy to let you win. i would start an argument just to let you win in the end. sometimes, i wonder if its because we no longer have anything to talk about. we have nothing in common. i dont know about your current life and you dont know about mine. i wanna tell you everything, but i never know where to start, and im not sure you're even interested at all. i tell you lotsa things, but you would forget. i mean, of course you would forget, who am i to you, why should you keep track of my life. i wanna know about yours, but you never tell. when i ask you how are you doing, you always tell me the same old thing. you're studying real hard, and you've got a new fan. i like to think that you're telling me to make a point that even if i dont like you anymore, theres a lotta other girls who like you, and i like the feel that you're trying to feel left out just because i dont like you anymore. but i am a rational girl. i am not that delusional freak that was very much in love with you. i dont cry for boys anymore. i dont get crazy when you dont reply. i dont send freaky late night "i cant live without you" texts anymore. so, "demeaning" is not the word to describe me anymore. i wanna put the blame on you. you're the reason i shut myself up. you trained me hard. and now i dont think i can ever muster the courage to tell anyone i liked him, whoever that may be. maybe it was the silent treatment all these time, maybe you were too nice in saying no, or maybe i was too persistent. i dont know, but i cant feel that desire i had for you for anyone else anymore.

i dont want you. but i want you.

i want you. but i dont want you.

i am secretly happy that you never got together with her, or any other girls thats a part of your new life.

but i would really like to see you in a relationship.

august 2007. forgive and forget.

march 2009. the last time i told you i liked you.

FORGET. FORGET. FORGET.